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"I will sing to the Lord for He has been good to me" - the end of the headache story

"O Lord my God, I cried to Thee for help, and Thou didst heal me." Psalm 30:2

I've been thinking about this post for awhile, and during my quiet time this morning, I was reminded to "ascribe to the Lord the glory due to His name" (Psalm 29:2). This will probably be my last post about the headache saga, and gratefully it is because the Lord has healed me!

A brief recap (if you don't know about the headache saga you can read my posts from 2011 - 2012 and get the full story): in April 2012 I decided to stop taking medicines for the headache because nothing was helping and everything was giving me side effects. It was scary and a relief at the same time. Scary to think I was without a lifeline, and a relief to no longer feel the desperation of trying to fix the pain.

But God showed me His faithfulness and peace like never before. I still struggled with headache pain through 2012, but once Ben and I got married there was a gradual diminishing of symptoms. I think I only missed one or two days of work in 2013, and had only a few other red days. At some point I realized that my head was no longer my first thought in the morning, and I wasn't having to make contingency plans for missing work or events.

Honestly one reason it's taken me so long to write this post is because I was afraid the relief was fleeting and that bringing attention to it would ruin everything. But I've gone months now without incapacitating head pain. I do have some pain on an inconsistent basis but nothing too terrible, and nothing that makes me think it will ever return in full force.

I'm so grateful, and I'm ashamed that I've been so quiet about this release the Lord has granted me. I just want to share a few treasures that God has given me through this process that may be of some comfort or encouragement to someone else.

First, you can trust Him. Even when it seems like He's forgotten you or punishing you, you can trust that His love for you will never change and He is orchestrating everything for your good. (Isaiah 49:13-16, Psalm 119:68, Romans 8:28).

You can withstand more than you think, but you need to give up sooner than you think. I can't tell you how many times I was at my breaking point physically, emotionally, and spiritually. But I don't think God was trying to increase my tolerance for pain and suffering as much as He was trying to teach me to surrender immediately and completely. I always felt like when I said (through tears and gnashing of teeth) "I give up! I don't know what You want from me!" that I was failing and faithless. But He was so quick to sustain me with His Word: "My grace is sufficient for You, for My power is made perfect in weakness." (2 Cor. 12:9).

He's a really good God. His ways are higher than our ways, and His thoughts are higher than our thoughts, and that's hard for us to accept, because sometimes things really hurt and look bad and nonredeemable, but He knows what He's doing and He will never let the righteous fall. You're safe with Him. (Isaiah 55:8-9, Psalm 55:22).

Suffering allows us to see a whole other dimension of God that you can't get to know any other way. Looking back to the month prior to the headache, I was on a mountaintop, spiritually speaking. I was so enamored with God and earnestly wanted to know Him more and bring Him glory with my life. He honored that prayer in way that knocked the wind out of me and took me a long time to comprehend, but I am forever changed and blessed because of it. Don't be afraid to go into the hard places with God.

Thank you for those who walked beside me and carried me through that season of my life. Sorry this update was so long in coming. Your prayers and encouragement and help were invaluable to me and I love you all!

I heart word art!

Word art is my art of choice. I wrote this little poem this morning and turned it into a printable word art using PicMonkey and this tutorial. I also transformed our Family Roles images into word art on PicMonkey using this technique so that I could print them as 5"x7" photos for a collage frame we have. Also, this one of our family values:

In other news, we will finish our foster parenting classes next week, which just leaves some minor home repairs and 2 home visits, and then we will be licensed!

Family Mission Statement and Family Roles

Today marks 10 months of marriage! We've certainly enjoyed our time together this year, and we've tried to be mindful about setting a good foundation for our marriage and family in our habits, plans, and routines. We spent time working out our family mission statement. This wasn't as easy as I expected - we each had opinions about the structure and function of this type of project, and we had to find ways to fit our ideas together into a cohesive and concise statement. So, here it is in its 2013 version (I can't promise we won't make changes to it at some point!): 

The Steele Family

Mission

We are enlarging and enriching God’s family in our generation.

Vision

We envision a large household of sons and daughters who all serve Jesus with their gifts and will continue the growth of our family.

We see a large household of faith that has benefited from our example in marriage, is growing in Christ’s likeness, and is impacting the world with the gospel.

We see a lasting influence and a material inheritance for our children through debt-free living, continuous saving, and generous giving to God’s work.

Values

Do things that matter.

Make each other a priority.

Do what you promised to do.

Influence without demanding or nagging.

Be inclusive to those who don’t have a family.

He who fears the Lord has a secure fortress, and for his children it will be a refuge. Prov. 14:26

Additionally, we came up with Family Roles that will help us relate to one another, particularly as we prepare to add children to our family. No - we are not pregnant! But we are in the beginning of the process of becoming foster parents through Lee County DHR. We anticipate completing the preliminary training, homestudy, background checks, etc by Spring 2014. Our family roles are: Leader, Helper, and Learner. Ben taught a wonderful lesson in his Timothy series this Spring about the roles of men and women in the church and that helped me solidify our family roles. For each role I wrote out the different titles they might wear (Husband, Father, Wife, Mother, Son, Daughter) as well as tasks they perform (reading, preaching, cooking, learning) and what they need to perform their roles well (rest, quiet, nurture, structure, surprises, responsibility, play). I used tagxedo.com to create these images - it's free and easy to use! I will probably be printing these out to frame and display alongside our mission statement.

Our favorite recipes - thanks Pinterest!

I've enjoyed browsing Pinterest for meal ideas, particularly of the Crock Pot variety since we don't have a working oven (only toaster oven), and it's nice to be able to come home to a meal that's ready (or nearly ready). So without further ado, a few of our favorite recipes:

Crock Pot Spaghetti Sauce

Adapted from Chocolate & Carrots

Ingredients

1.5 lbs ground beef or turkey
1 tablespoon olive oil
1/2 cup frozen chopped onion
1/2 cup frozen chopped green bell pepper
3 cloves garlic, minced
1 (14 oz.) can diced tomatoes with italian seasoning, drained
1 (14 oz.) can tomato sauce
1 (28 oz.) can crushed tomatoes
1 tsp. garlic salt
1 Tbsp. chocolate syrup
1 Tbsp. Italian seasoning
1/4 teaspoon freshly ground pepper
dash of red pepper flakes

Directions

In a pan, brown the ground beef and add it to the crock pot.
In the same pan, sauté the onion, green pepper, and garlic until tender. Add to the crock pot.
Put the remaining ingredients into the crock pot and stir together.
Cook on low for 8 hours, stirring occasionally.
Serve over your favorite hot noodles.

Note: I freeze half the sauce for Crock Pot Lasagna.

Crock Pot Lasagna

Adapted from The Girl Who Ate Everything

Ingredients

Leftover spaghetti sauce (from above recipe)
1 (16 oz.) container ricotta cheese
1 (8 oz.) package cream cheese, softened
2 cups mozzarella cheese
1/4 cup grated parmesan cheese, divided
1 tsp. garlic salt
1 egg
6 lasagna noodles, uncooked
2 tsp. dried parsley flakes

Directions

Line a 4-6qt Crock Pot with a Reynolds Crock Pot Liner, or spray with cooking spray.
Mix ricotta, 1 1/2 cups of mozzarella, cream cheese, 2 Tbsp parmesan, parsley flakes, egg and garlic salt in a bowl.
Spread 1 cup spaghetti sauce in the bottom of the pot.
Place half of the noodles on top of the sauce (break them to make them fit).
Spread half of the cheese mixture over the noodles.
Spread half of the remaining sauce over the cheese mixture.
Place the rest of the noodles on top of the sauce.
Spread the rest of the cheese mixture on top of the noodles.
Cover the cheese with the rest of the sauce. Place the lid on the pot.
Cook on low 4-5 hours.
Sprinkle with the remaining cheese and cover until it melts. Let it stand 10 min. before serving.

Note: Do not cook on high or overcook. We usually have this for Sunday lunch so that it only cooks for the recommended time. I make it on Saturday and put it in the fridge so that I don't have to do the work on our day of rest.

Crock Pot Santa Fe Chicken

Adapted from SkinnyTaste.com

Ingredients

24 oz (1 1/2) lbs boneless/skinless chicken breast (I've also used boneless chicken thighs)
14.4 oz can diced tomatoes with mild green chilies, undrained
15 oz can black beans, drained and rinsed
1 cup frozen corn
1/4 cup chopped fresh cilantro
14.4 oz can fat free chicken broth
3 scallions, chopped
1 tsp garlic powder
1 tsp onion powder
1 tsp cumin
1/8 - 1/4 tsp cayenne pepper (to taste)
salt
Toppings (optional): shredded cheddar cheese, sour cream, jalepenos, hot sauce or salsa.

Directions

Combine chicken broth, beans, corn, tomatoes, cilantro, scallions, garlic powder, onion powder, cumin, cayenne pepper and salt in the crock pot. Season chicken breast with salt and lay on top.

Cook on low for 10 hours or on high for 6 hours. Half hour before serving, remove chicken and shred. Return chicken to slow cooker and stir in. Adjust salt and seasoning to taste. Serve over rice or tortillas and your favorite toppings.

Note: Ben and I have eaten this several times. Add some rice and wrap it in the biggest tortilla you can find, and it's very similar to a burrito at Moe's or Chipotle. It's also great on tortilla chips as nachos.

UPDATE - One New Favorite!

Saucilious Slow Cooker Pork Chops

Adapted from Chatting Over Chocolate

Ingredients

4 boneless pork chops, cut in half width-wise
1/2 pkg. baby carrots
4-8 red potatoes (depending on size), quartered
1 can cream of mushroom soup (I've used regular and 98% fat free - couldn't taste a difference)
2 tsp. Worcestershire Sauce
1/4 cup ketchup

Directions

Line your large crock pot with a disposable liner (Bed Bath and Beyond has packs of 8 "Slow Cooker Savers" for $5 - yay wedding gift cards!). Put the potato quarters in the bottom of the pot. Layer the baby carrots over the potatoes. Lay the pork chop pieces on top of the carrots. In a medium sized mixing bowl, combine the last three ingredients. Spread the sauce over the pork chops. Cover and cook on low for 8 hours. We serve this with Sister Schubert's frozen dinner rolls that are pre-baked and ready in 10 minutes! Our favorite rolls!

Ice Cream Supper: What I'm Learning about Sabbath

Backstory - I grew up in a family that spent the bulk of our Sundays at church. We would often ask on the way home from the evening service, “What’s for supper?” Usually it was answered by my mom with, “It’s every man for himself,” but occasionally, she would let us have “ice cream supper”. I’m not sure how often this actually happened, but enough that it had a name. Everybody would fix bowls of ice cream and popcorn (my mom’s two favorite snacks) and sit down at the table with a section of the newspaper (we were only allowed to read at the table on Sundays). It remains a very pleasant memory.

Present day – Ben and I have been married for two and half months.  February was a whirlwind month for BigHouse, and building momentum with Mosaics, the college group we’re leading from our church. We scheduled a breakfast date to discuss how we would intentionally observe the Sabbath. We listened to an insightful sermon prior to the date and were prepared to discuss the flow of our year – busy seasons and times for rest – and we wanted to pinpoint some ways in which we would make a day of rest in our week.

We anticipate that in the future Ben will be engaged in full-time church ministry (exciting! And daunting…), and we know that Sundays will not always be a day of rest, but for now, since we are both working weekday jobs, it seems to make the most sense to set aside Sundays. Up until two weeks ago, we were doing work related things during the week, and family/house related things on the weekends, but never seemed rested. We learned some great truths about the Sabbath that we want to put into practice in our lives:

1) God created man on the 6^th day, and then rested on the 7^th. God didn’t need Adam’s help with any of His work. The Sabbath reminds us to enter God’s rest prior to entering into His work.

2) Observing God’s holy day reminds us that He is holy, and He has called us to holiness also. This is a day when we come apart with Him and see Him for who He is.

3) The Sabbath is for our benefit, but it’s not about us. Isaiah 58:13-14

As I’ve been thinking about it, and now practicing it for two weeks, I realized how much my family’s lifestyle growing up instilled Sabbath rest. We rarely went anywhere on Sunday besides church – even out to eat. We all took at least a 1.5 hour nap. We didn’t do homework or a bunch of chores. We ate simple meals that didn’t make a mess in the kitchen (hello – ice cream supper!). And after we went to bed at 8pm, my parents faithfully sat down together and took communion. We were never invited to participate in that, but it really gave me a sense of security to know that my parents were praying and worshipping together in our home.

So this is what our Sabbath looks like in the newly formed Steele household:

•  Have household duties completed prior to Sunday.
• Get enough sleep on Saturday night that you can fully participate in worship on Sunday.
• Spend individual quiet times with the Lord in the morning.
•  Everyone fixes his/her own breakfast.
• Listen to a sermon podcast while getting ready for church.
• Attend Sunday School and worship service.
• Eat a simple lunch (prepared in advance or quickly put together).
• Use paper plates (we don’t have a dishwasher).
• Watch a sermon or other teaching video together (we are total sermon nerds).
• Take a 1-2 hour nap.
• Attend choir practice and evening worship.
• Eat a simple supper.
• Have a family planning meeting to discuss the upcoming week.
• Take communion together.
• Encourage a culture of Sabbath rest among God’s people by not shopping, going out to eat, or planning meetings or parties.

It has been such a blessing to us in the past two weeks. We feel so productive during our work week, and then blissfully at ease on Sundays, not rushing into a new week with unfinished business. I would encourage you all to spend some time studying God’s Word concerning the Sabbath and finding ways to make it more restful and God-centered. 

Wedding Bells Are Ringing!

It's been a while since I've updated, but I was waiting to have some big news. Here it is:

Ben and I are engaged!

Of course we've been talking about marriage since our first date, and in mid-August he asked me, "So, hypothetically, if I proposed by the end of September, when do you think we could get married?" I told him probably like March (2013) because it was getting awfully close to the end of the year and I'd pretty much given up all hope of getting married in December (my original timeline). After further discussion I asked him when he thought we could get married and he said, "I want to get married this year." HELLO! He was also adamant about being married before Christmas (I'm now wondering if he wants to be sure to seal the deal before the world ends on Dec. 21...haha), so we had tentative plans for December 15th.

With a condensed time frame, we went home to Fairview on Thursday night before Labor Day so Ben could talk to my dad. Funny story - we left pretty late in the evening from Auburn to drive home (5 hour drive) and  so it was 11:30 PM when we came cruising into Franklin. I got pulled over by one of the superfluous Franklin police officers patrolling Hwy. 96 (going 50 in a 45). This was the conversation:

Officer: Are you living here or just visiting?

Me: Just visiting

Officer: How long have you been visiting?

Me: I mean, we just got off the interstate, so about a minute.

Officer: Where are you headed?

Me: Fairview.

Officer: THAT'S an interesting place...population: nothing.

Don't worry, I did not get a ticket. We saw three more patrol cars before we got out of Franklin! Nuts.

Ok, so Ben talked to my dad for an hour and a half the next morning. I was definitely eavesdropping. He said yes! (of course) So then it was just a matter of time (precious time) before he proposed. I had put (too much) pressure on him from the beginning about wanting a good proposal story. After all, it is a story I will tell for the rest of my life! So poor guy was struggling to come up with something good, in a hurry.

His best idea was to propose during a Kids' Night Out (BigHouse respite event) since that's where we met. Unfortunately, the timing was bad because they are only once a month. And I was getting really nervous about the days slipping away. On Thursday night prior to the proposal he said, "We should plan our weekend so we don't end up wasting it. Actually, we should go ahead and plan all our weekends (through Dec. 15)." I said, "Ben! If we are are going to be planning all our weekends we NEED to get engaged this weekend!" (I'm so patient.)

On Saturday, my head was really bad (it woke me up at 3am! yuck.), and I was miserable because he had to go into work to finish a project that morning so I didn't get to see him until 2:30. Fortunately by that time my head had calmed down some. We went to the Overall Co. which is a super cool coffee shop in downtown Opelika. We hung out there for awhile and then went to his house. It was really nice outside so we decided to finish the book we were reading together (Things I Wish I'd Known Before We'd Gotten Married by Gary Chapman).

After we'd finished reading he started talking about our first date and how much I mean to him, and I knew it was coming! He got down on one knee in front of where I was sitting and said, "I would be honored if you would be mine forever." I said, "Absolutely!" He asked, "Will you marry me?" I said, "Yes sir!" He presented me with Bucky's engagement ring to wear as a placeholder until my ring (pictured) came in the next week. He had gone to Jewelry By Design to have a ring made similar to the other ring that Bucky had also bequeathed to me. My ring is made up of the same stones that were in her ring - I think that's neat!

Neither of us felt magically different that evening, but I can tell you that now I feel even more connected to him and secure in our relationship. I can't WAIT to marry this man! We'll be getting married on Dec. 15th at our church in Opelika. We've gotten a lot done so far, but still have things to check off the list. I'm sure you'll understand if I don't update the blog until January or so!

Ben's First Trip to Fairview, TN

On July 5th, Ben and I drove from Opelika to Fairview to visit my family for the weekend. It's about a 5.5 hour trip, so, considerably shorter than the trip to VA. We got there around 10PM and stayed up talking to my parents for a couple of hours.

Friday, we went downtown to see my dad at LifeWay. He gave us a tour and we shopped at the store. We ate lunch with Mom and then got a tour of her office too. We went to McKay's used bookstore which was highly recommended by my mom and brothers. It certainly lived up to the hype. I think we were there over an hour and I only looked through two small sections of shelves. We each got several books and we are looking forward to bringing books back to sell on our next visit (we could easily become book hoarders!).

If you haven't noticed - I took zero pictures on this trip, so it's not nearly as exciting as the last post.

Saturday morning we got to visit with one of Ben's good friends from college. I thought it was neat that I got to visit one of my friends when we went to see his family in VA, and he got to see one of his in TN! That afternoon was my nephew Cameron's 4th birthday party. It was really hot, but luckily it was a pool party! We enjoyed swimming and Ben taught me how to do flip turns. He's a good coach.

On Sunday we went to church, and I enjoyed introducing him to my church family.

It was a great trip - it seemed longer than a weekend because we packed a lot of activity in. Ben fits in so well with my family. He keeps asking when we can go back again, which pleases me. I hope we get to go back soon too!

Ok I'll add some pictures from our beach trip over Memorial Day weekend so that this post isn't quite so boring! Julie's brother Tim took these for us. You can Like his facebook page here. And no, they're not engagement pictures - they're just for fun!

 Oh! By the way, this is my beach dress that I wore on our date in Virginia.

This was my first time to wear dangly earrings - they're butterflies. 

 This one's my favorite - I love his smile!

 This one's his favorite because it reminds him of a scene in Pride and Prejudice.

Aren't we so cute? :) 

My first trip to Hampton, VA

This post is quite overdue. And for those who've seen the pictures on facebook, I guess it's a little anti-climatic but I did want to document it for posterity.

Ben and I drove to Hampton, VA on June 12th. It's a 12-hour drive. That's the longest drive I've ever done in one day, and luckily we split it so it didn't seem so bad. It was particularly nice having someone to talk to. The downside is we are both unobservant in the car together and end up missing exits, getting lost, turning around multiple times... It's what my dad calls "just driving". Ben's a good sport though.

We finally got to Hampton at 10:30PM. We stayed with his sister, Bekah, and brother-in-law, Shawn, so that night I met them and his sisters Hannah and Dannie. And some cats.

(Shawn, Bekah, and Ben in front of the house.)

The next day was Ben's birthday. It's probably a good thing I was there to remind him of that fact because he does not seem particularly in tune with birthday like I am. ;) In the morning, his mom came over to visit with us. That was really nice. I admired Shawn's salt water aquarium (like the one Nemo lived in at the dentist's office). Ben's youngest sister, Hope, was finishing elementary school that day and they had arranged for their brother, Tim, to surprise her by picking her up from school on his motorcycle. Legend has it that Ben's dad picked him up from his last day of elementary school on a motorcycle. It is unclear how many of the middle children received that special treatment. (In case you lost count, there are 6 Steele children, 2 boys, and 4 girls, of which Ben is the oldest.)

After we watched Hope ride off from school, Ben drove me around Hampton on his roots tour (I LOVED that!). Some sites I got to see: the church he grew up in, Grandview Beach on the Chesapeake Bay where he was baptized, a lot of different places where his dad worked, the house he grew up in, his elementary and middle schools, the pool where he started on swim team (which was a big part of his middle/high school years), Sam and Gail's house, and the library.

(This was his pool, and I told him to make a sad face like the sign. See? Good sport.)

Sam and Gail are a couple that taught Ben in church growing up. We stopped to visit with them and I could have stayed there forever. Their house is gorgeous, with really pretty flowers and landscaping in the front, and water in the back, with a little dock you could walk out on. It's one of the few places I didn't get a picture of, which is a SHAME because it was probably my favorite. We stayed there for about an hour and a half talking with them and it was just wonderful. They prayed with us before we left and it was so precious to me.

By the way, there is water EVERYWHERE there - the bay, the ocean, rivers...it was different that any other place I've lived. The weather was pretty cool when we were there - we wore jeans most of the time. It was also unseasonably cool in Alabama that week.

(Grandview Beach, approximately where Ben was baptized.)

That night we had a cookout for Ben's birthday. He turned 28. They had some friends over too and I got to tell our whole love story in detail (that is one GREAT thing about Ben having sisters! Talking!). Oh and Bekah made some amazing banana pudding! I really enjoyed being with his family. They are so much fun altogether. Ben and Tim in particular are really funny as a pair. It made me feel confident that he could hold his own with my brothers and their quick wit.

(Apparently we didn't sing fast enough for the candles.)

On Thursday we went to see my friend Whitney at Colonial Williamsburg. She actually works there, but it was her day off so she gave us the unofficial tour. Whitney and I were friends from the Tennessee Choral Academy, way back in high school. I haven't seen her in years! It was really neat to catch up with her and show off Ben.

(We stood in line for this photo op, which is apparently the thing to do at Colonial Williamsburg.)

(Me and Whitney in the gardens behind the Governor's house.)

That evening we went to Dannie's high school graduation (the actual reason we traveled to VA). We looked super cute, if I do say so myself. I gave him that shirt for his birthday.

(It was cold and windy.)

(His whole family - it's impossible to get 7 people to all keep their eyes open. Sorry Hannah!)

L-R:Hannah, Bekah, Karen (their mom), Ben, Dannie, Tim, Hopey

On Friday he took me on a surprise date. Prior to the trip he told me to pack my beach dress (fabulous hot pink tie-dye maxi dress I got at Burke's Outlet for $19!). We went to Buckroe Park which is on the Chesapeake Bay. It was a really fantastic date. We sat on a blanket in the sand and he wrote about me - super romantic! He took me to breakfast at IHOP and I got some delicious red velvet pancakes (nobody's mad at dessert for breakfast).

(Best date ever! I love you Ben Steele!)

That afternoon we went to meet his grandpa for a late lunch. Hannah came with us which I really enjoyed! The traffic was not that enjoyable, but I loved meeting his grandpa (Ben's dad's dad - Ben's dad passed away a few years ago and I'm sad that I didn't get to know him because I sure love his family). That evening my head was bad so I didn't get to go to the church softball game with everyone. I was bummed. I was pretty stressed about having to explain the headache to his family. As it worked out, he did it for me since I was at home in bed. It's nice having a spokesman for things like that. It's also nice to have him take care of me. But, oh, how I wish it would go away and leave us alone!

Saturday we went to Teen Challenge and he gave a devotional for a father/son breakfast. It was the first time I got to hear him teach. I was really impressed and SO proud! We went to Dannie's graduation party that evening and I got to meet a lot of their friends from church. Then he took me to his meet his mom's parents. They were really sweet and had a cute dog that liked me. Also I got to see some younger pictures of Ben! (That was my goal of the trip - he was so precious!)

We had to leave Sunday morning in order to make the long drive home. It was sad to leave and I can't wait to go back!

Next up...Ben's first trip to Fairview, TN!

18 Months

Reposted from my New Daily Persistent Headache blog on MDJunction titled "Standing on the Promises of God." Yesterday marked 18 months since the headache began:

It's a little unbelievable that I've had a headache for 18 months. It's equally unbelievable that I'm still standing. If I'd been told on day one that this was the beginning of a long road of pain, I would've freaked out. I'm thankful that I was spared of that knowledge. If I'd known that there was nothing life-threatening about it and that no medicine or doctor could make it go away, I would've made different decisions, but since I didn't, I ended up letting my parents take me home early last Spring and I got to visit with my grandmother days before she passed away. I'm thankful for that time with her. Also, because of the 20+ prescriptions I had filled, I built relationships with the wonderful pharmacists at Sam's Club pharmacy. I'm thankful for their concern and knowledge and effort on my behalf. I've had to learn to rely deeply on the Lord for strength and wisdom and comfort. I'm so thankful for His faithfulness! I've had to spend more time than I'd like in the bed; it's made me thankful for my job flexibility and the days that I am able to do the work that I love. I've been able to share my story with a lot of people, which has opened doors to share Jesus. I'm thankful that He's using it for His glory! I've experienced and learned a lot about chronic illness, and treatments, and the toll that it takes on the patient and their family. I'm thankful for a solid support system. I've cried more than any other time in my life. I'm thankful for tears to express anguish, pain, frustration, anger, sadness, fear, loneliness, disappointment, exhaustion. I've prayed more than any other time too. I'm thankful for the awesome presence of God and His Spirit that gives voice to my heart even when I don't have words. 

If you tell me it will be 18 more months of pain from this point, I can't say I'll be excited about it, but I will be thankful for 18 more months of life and will do my best to steward it well.

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." Romans 8:18 

Summer!

I love vacation. I SUPER love vacation with Ben! Saturday morning we helped some friends move to a new house. They are going to begin fostering, and needed more space to do that. I think that's very cool. I enjoyed getting to help and watch Ben with his friends. Those guys are really fun, and hilarious.

Saturday afternoon we went to the lake house that Ben's surrogate family has at Lake Martin. (Sidenote: I love that he has a surrogate family in Opelika just like I do - and that those families know each other well. He's perfect for me. We talked about how nice it is to be adopted.) The lake was GREAT! We swam and went tubing (just a nice ride - no getting thrown off. It was plenty thrilling for me!). We went on a boat ride which was glorious. Ben had told me that the boat ride was his favorite thing at the lake and I have to agree with him. Oh, but then there was the food - that was maybe my favorite part of the lake! My mouth is watering just remembering it, haha. Grilled pork chops, green beans, macaroni and cheese, black-eyed peas, creamed corn. Ah-mazing.

Saturday night I played guitar for him and we went to walk at the park. Taking walks is our favorite. Ok I'm going to stop saying favorite b/c I've totally overused it already in this post. Taking walks is on our top tier. Along with me cooking for him. (He appreciates it, I like being helpful, and I like when he takes leftovers to work and shows off for his coworkers!)

Sunday he picked me up after church and we loaded up the car to go to Orange Beach! We were invited to join Julie, Will, and Julie's brother Tim on vacation. Road trips are decidedly better with Ben Steele. He likes to drive, he lets me tell endless stories, he holds my hand, he doesn't get mad when we miss our exit by 12 miles, he finds signs funny like I do. Top tier Sunday night was Tim getting my earrings off - they were the starter earrings that I got for my birthday and I couldn't get them off for the life of me, and neither could Julie, but Tim did. So I enjoyed trying out new earrings with every new outfit!

Monday we walked on the beach, swam, went to lunch at Bubba's, and sat on the balcony all afternoon talking (we started a couples' devotional book this weekend and we're getting a lot out of it: Devotions for Couples by Patrick Morley).The balcony is top tier for me at the beach. I like looking at the water without having to be in the sun or sand. It's breezy and wonderful. Also on my top tier at the condo - the ice machine!! I love that ice. (Sidenote - I just looked it up online to see if I could ever have one of my own, and apparently they cost more than a whole refrigerator/freezer?! Absurd. Ah well, I'll enjoy it when I can on vacation.)

We left after lunch at Doc's (top tier!!) on Tuesday. We had used google maps to get us to the beach and went through FL to get there. Since we didn't have any problem getting there we figured we could easily get back by reversing the directions...yeah, well.. We took a scenic route through some part of FL I've never seen, and got out the atlas, and finally found our way back to AL. He's such a good sport...he never got frustrated. We saw some pretty funny signs on our detour. One of the funniest was in a neighborhood where we turned around. It was on neon green poster board and said,

"Thievery is afoot.

- Be aware.

- Lock up.

- Pay attention."

We laughed soo hard! I kept thinking of who would write such a sign, and decided that it must be an elderly lady who had a lawn gnome stolen from her yard.

We ate at Cracker Barrel on our way home which felt like a bonus date. I love his companionship and enjoy him SO MUCH! He makes my life really fun. 

I'm going to add the picture of us from his deacon ordination which was May 20th. He looked way too handsome in that suit not to show him off! I'm so very proud of him, and SO proud to be with him!

About a Boy

So there's this guy named Ben... some of you have heard this story before, but for those who haven't, here's the scoop:

Ben Steele started volunteering at BigHouse this semester. He tutors Micah's youngest sisters two days a week and he's also helped out at our wild and crazy Kids' Nights Out this spring. I've had a crush on him since I read his blog post about his first KNO experience. He called to ask me out two days before my birthday. A very wonderful early birthday present! We went out for coffee a week later and talked for 2 1/2 hours. The next week he took me out to dinner and gave me his roots tour of Auburn's campus. (Jenna says the fact that I described the date as "wonderful" even though it was on Auburn's campus was surely an act of God! Haha - it's all been God's actions!) That night we both stated our intentions of marriage and not just dating for fun (although it IS fun!). So now we're an item. A couple. Ben-annah. 

Oh he's so wonderful! He's sweet, and romantic, and gentlemanly. He's funny and a great storyteller. He's a godly man. He's an amazing writer. He's so handsome! He's a good sport. He's mature and responsible and trustworthy. He's perfect for me. :)

This scene has been in my head this week. 

Our first picture together - he does not like pictures, I've been informed, and he didn't like this one b/c he thought he looked goofy (well and I kinda cut off his head), but I liked it the best. And it's my blog. He can put his favorite on HIS blog! ;)

Twenty-Six!!

I am a super huge fan of birthdays, particularly mine. Today has been fantastic from start to end. I'm in Madison, Mississippi visiting my friend Julie and her husband Will. This morning I got up at 5 and enjoyed my quiet time and finishing my 25 list (previous blog post). I started reading Practicing His Presence (Bro. Lawerence and Frank Laubach) - very neat book. I ate chocolate "declare" cake for breakfast - it's really named chocolate eclair cake but I've called it declare since I was really young. (And I'm having some more now. Just talking about it made me so hungry!) I got many, many birthday wishes by phone, text and facebook. Although I like the facebook Timeline in general, it wouldn't show all my birthday messages at once which was a little annoying.

Julie took me to play tennis - I've never played before and it was a lot of fun. When we came home Will was washing my car!! Best birthday surprise. I loooove a clean car! This afternoon we went bowling and my first two games were awful, but then I bowled a 180! We went to eat at a Mexican restaurant and they brought me a dessert and a sombrero and sang and put whipped cream on my face! It was hilarious, even though I'm not big on getting messy.

Afterward we went back to play more tennis! I also requested to see Christmas lights because when I came in December we drove through this neighborhood where all the houses had lights that were synced with music and it was so cool. So we played and it was dark when we finished, and guess what we saw when we were driving home? Christmas lights!

Fantastic day. So much fun. Oh and yesterday I got my ears pierced for the first time ever! I love them. I think the lady at Walmart thought I was 15 b/c she asked me how old I was and when I told her I was turning 26, she laughed and said, "You look so young!" They are sparkly and I love them. I'm excited about earring shopping. I want some feather earrings.

25 Things I Learned When I Was 25

- Having interns at BigHouse is pretty much the best thing ever. They keep me company, they work hard, they are dependable and take up the slack for me on bad head days, they make me laugh, they do things I don’t love to do (clean, and embroider towels), they are my ‘legit’ friends.

- Winter is not necessary. We did just fine without it this year.

- It’s really fun to watch my team win the National Championship for college football (oh, wait…I learned that when I was 23.)

- God is not opposed to putting me through pain for my utmost good. And I’m glad.

- A headache really can last for more than a year (and counting).

- Being loved by a child is one of the most precious feelings ever.

- Being girly is fun – eye shadow, nail polish, earrings and all! Yes, these are all new to me.

- 4:00AM is not as scary as it used to be. It’s not when I would prefer to wake up, but if it happens it’s ok - God’s awake then too.

- I like to drive my car without turning on the radio. But if I do have it on, I enjoy listening to sermons.

- The park by Grandmom’s house is a wonderful retreat.

- Vacation is good for my head, most of the time.

- There is more to God than I ever imagined, and He is just who He says He is.

- I love married Sunday School classes.

- God’s not afraid of ANYTHING!

- I can do more than I think I can, but I can do nothing without Christ.

- “Blessed” translated from the Greek word makarizō means “to be declared as indwelt by God and therefore fully satisfied.”

- Double Dunker ice cream made by Turkey Hill deserves a standing ovation.

- I like prison break movies. But I never want to be in prison.

- A/C in the car is a luxury worth having.

- Meditation is a good practice.

- Discipleship relationships are rewarding on both ends.

- You know you’re a grown up when you are hiding Easter eggs instead of hunting them.

- Being useful to God has nothing to do with my activity.

- It’s ok to write in my Bible. But it will still travel in its box.

- God speaks my love language, even in discipline.

I am nothing

Before you think I've reached some super-spiritual state or that accepting God's will for me with the headache was some sort of magic trick that made it all-of-the-sudden tolerable or cured, let me assure that is not the case. Today has been a horrendous pain day. I'm fully blaming the storms for that, but at any rate, it's definitely been rough. I've done two shots (this is the fourth time I've used shots in two weeks - UNACCEPTABLE!) and the DHE is rough on me. Anxiety, nausea, muscle cramps, needles..no thank you. So I've been in bed all day, praying or attempting to pray, reading some, crying a lot, texting and calling people for support, etc. It hasn't been stellar, it wasn't what I wanted to be doing, but I am surrendered to God's will and trust that His plan is good.

"God disciplines us for our own good, that we may share in His holiness." Hebrews 12:10 I desire holiness. I'm not big and brave or strong, but I aim to be faithful. "Not to us, O Lord, not to us, but to Your name be the glory because of Your love and faithfulness." Psalm 115:1

March Madness

Today is March 1st and I feel like this month is already spoken for - all of my weekends are booked and while that's not all bad, it has me feeling slightly trapped. Because you know me - I like to keep my options open and travel on a whim. But there will be plenty of traveling - next weekend I'm going to the kNOw More Orphans Conference in Birmingham to host an expo table for BigHouse. We have a really professional looking presentation board and everything. The next Saturday I'm going with my Sunday School class to the Passages exhibit of Bible artifacts in Atlanta. The last weekend we're taking a BigHouse staff beach trip. We are SO EXCITED. At least, I am. I'm pretty sure the others are too.

I can't believe it's March again. Last year, March was an out-and-out disaster. My life was falling apart because of my headache and my parents came to rescue me. Then Bucky died. I spent three weeks in Tennessee, primarily in the bed or on the couch. I was on Topamax and it was horrendous. I wanted nothing but relief from pain so that I could live my normal, happy life. I thought I was going crazy (actually, I probably was). I remember crying and crying and saying, "I just don't understand!" - what was God doing? How could this be ok with Him? Wasn't I more valuable at work at BigHouse than lying in agony at home?

Last night I read a book(let) that brought me to an altogether different place with the headache. Acceptance. I will admit that when I got to the part about accepting your life, I had to put the book down and have a tantrum. "No God! I can't! This pain isn't ok with me!" But after finishing the book (all 32 pages, ha) and spent an hour in prayer over it, I wanted nothing but to fully surrender myself to Him and His will and trust His goodness. That's what He's been gently (and sometimes not-so-gently) telling me for over a year - "Trust Me." But I think I've finally gotten to a point where I can honestly say, "Ok Lord, whatever Your will is for me, I want it. I want it more than relief from pain, or an answer, or an understanding, or even a reward. I just want You, Jesus. You are enough." I want to know God more intimately. I want to be usable to Him. I must continually surrender my will to His. There is peace in surrender. God is good and His mercy endures forever.

The booklet is called The Great Lie by Martha Kilpatrick. I had been warned that it was deep and transformational, and I thought I was prepared. Ha. I'm reading it again today. And probably tomorrow. I'm beginning a discipleship relationship with a godly woman I have an increasing amount of respect for, and she gave the book to me. We're getting together next week to discuss it. I am beyond thrilled to have someone to disciple me! I'm so thankful that God placed her in my life to pour into me and challenge me and teach me more about Him.

"I will sing to the Lord for He has been good to me." Psalm 13:6

"You have laid down precepts that are to be fully obeyed. Oh, that my ways were steadfast in obeying your decrees!" Psalm 119:4-5

2012

I really like the number of year we're on now. 12 is my favorite! I think it has something to do with my "J" last name putting me somewhere around 12th in my elementary school classrooms. I think it made me feel at home when I went to college at the University of Alabama where the #12 means legacy on the football field. One time a long time ago my mom told me she wanted 12 grandchildren. Anyway, I love 2012 - even and beautiful numbers....maybe I have autistic tendencies? :)

So what have I done in the first month of 2012? Let's see:

- I celebrated New Year's with lots of college friends at Lauren and Justin's wedding in Huntsville on New Year's Eve.

- We got two full-time interns at BigHouse and I ADORE THEM!! They double our man-power and get so much done, it's just amazing. They're fun and funny and they love Jesus - I couldn't ask for better.

- My Bama boys won our 14th National Championship in football, and I got new t-shirt at midnight. Roll Tide!

- I got to see a sweet new baby girl in Canton! On that same weekend trip I got to spend time with lots of friends and go to the Buford Hwy Farmer's Market (AMAZING - I said it was like grocery shopping in Epcot).

- I got to talk to a Brownie Troop about BigHouse and bought Girl Scout cookies. They even let me join their Friendship Circle at the end of the meeting. Brought back lots of memories!

- I got to go to the Alabama/Auburn gymnastics meet in Auburn. We won! It was lots of fun, but the meets in Tuscaloosa are way better. :)

- I got to go Clanton and see Julie and Will and Julie's family this weekend. And I went to see Heather and Adam's new house in Montgomery they will be moving too soon!

It's been a good month! As far as headaches I've had 4 red days this month, but it's been somewhat better now that I'm not taking medicine every day. I go back to the neurologist next month and we'll discuss Botox and any other options he wants to give me.

I'm Back

No more Zonegran. NO MORE CRYING. :) And hopefully no more insane pain days - just normal pain days. :/ I would very happily give those up too. I called my doctor again on Wednesday and talked to the nurse and we decided that I would stop the Zonegran since the 400 mg seemed (to me, anyway) to be instigator of all the red days. And really, the only benefit I'd had from it was one miraculously good day the first week I was on it, and I lost like 10 lbs. from not eating. I can tell you that the last two weeks have not been worth it either of those things. So Zonegran has been added to the list of meds that don't work (in case you were wondering - we've tried 24 prescription meds and at least 9 OTC meds for this headache. Some list!)

Yesterday was bad. I had to do another shot. Let's not talk about it. Today has been much better. Praise the Lord! We had our BigHouse Teen Christmas Party last night and our Breakfast With Santa this morning. They were both wildly successful. God accomplishes all things for us. (Psalm 57:2) He is so good to BigHouse! It was such a delight to see all the families this weekend and to read their feedback on the family surveys this afternoon (that's my personal favorite part of the Santa Breakfast so I make it my priority). For both events we had about 200 people involved, not including those who donated gifts! That would be probably more like 500!! It was lots of fun!

Rough week

I had the week off last week for Thanksgiving and spent some time in Georgia and Tennessee visiting friends and family. I ended up driving home on Friday afternoon, because I wanted to be back in Opelika to watch the Iron Bowl game with Micah and Blake and Stephanie (Roll Tide!). I'm glad I decided to drive back b/c Saturday I was virtually dead. I didn't get out of bed all day. :( Headache drama. You know it's bad when this girl couldn't sit on the couch - or even lay - on the couch to watch the Iron Bowl (that would be the Alabama/Auburn game for the uncultured folk). I did manage to sit with Grandmom later on and watch a little bit of Home Alone 2 - big accomplishment. I tried the Migranal (DHE) nasal spray but I didn't have any relief from it, which was a big disappointment since I was hoping it could take the place of the shots.

That was the beginning of what has been a very long week. I have decided that this medicine I'm on (Zonegran) clashes big time with my hormones the week of my period (sorry for any males who may happen to read this) and make me crazy. You know me - I'm not a crier. But I've struggled with lots of crying and anxiety this week (and I noticed it the last time around too, just after I'd started on Zonegran). I called my neurologist on Wednesday and he called in another steroid. I didn't get to start it until that night, and so it's been keeping from sleeping the past two nights..but it has helped my head some, although I had to do a DHE shot yesterday.

So I am physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually drained from dealing with worse than normal pain and trying not to lose my mind, and trying to work, and take care of myself (you know, sleeping and eating and calling dr/pharmacist)...it feels like more than I can do. I found something a few weeks ago which has been helpful - Mindful Worship Meditation. Mediation recordings based on Scripture. If you're interested, the site I found them on is here: http://www.mindfulworship.com/. Particularly this week, "Jehovah-Shalom, The Lord is Peace" and "Think About Such Things" have been useful to me. God is so good to me. His plans for me are good. He's given me friends who love and encourage me. He watches over me. He is faithful and I can trust Him. Headaches are hard and I'd like for them to be over, but I will trust Him. Thank you for praying! It means so much to me.


In the meantime it's been freezing at BigHouse - we're still working on getting copper wiring and gas hooked up to our central units so that we can have heat in our building. So we've been doing what we can off-site and I've worked a few half-days holed up in my office with the space heater...brr. Just trying to get things ready for our Christmas festivities in the next couple of weeks - these are my favorite BigHouse events of the year: Teen Party, Breakfast with Santa, and Kids' Night Out: Santa's Workshop. Fortunately none of our events are in our building - we have several churches who are graciously hosting us.

Also to keep you up to date with BigHouse - we're running for another Pepsi grant! This is to win $5,000 for our 2012 swimsuit and towel drive. This year we filled 3, 421 requests for new swimsuits and towels for children and teens in foster care across the state of Alabama. The estimated cost of this project was over $90,000. You can help us by voting every day: TEXT -110182 to 73774 (PEPSI), ONLINE - http://www.refresheverything.com/swimsuitsandtowels. You can log in with your facebook account (which is the easiest way) AND sign up with your email account (you might have done this to vote for us in previous Pepsi grants). We need to finish in the top 20 on Dec. 31st to receive the grant!

I'm wearing blue fingernail polish and I love it

This is just a quick update. I went to the neurologist today. He does want to see how I do on Zonegran for (hopefully) three months. If nothing else, I'll be skinny - ha. No one's complaining about that. Of course we're hoping it works on my headache, not just kill my appetite. I got samples of Migranal nasal spray which is DHE so I won't have to do it injections - I'm hoping those give me a little relief on bad pain days in place of shots. Lots of hoping in this paragraph...blah. But my hope is in Jesus and none other. The dr. was very pleased with my thorough headache diaries and showed them off to the nurses (they 'oohed' and 'aahed' over them too) - gold star for me. He said if the Zonegran doesn't work his next plan is Botox. While I'm not excited about that idea, and not sure that's something I want to pursue, I appreciate his aggressive approach.

I didn't want headaches to take over my blog. Thank you for bearing with me. I do want to keep you updated on how it's going though, and I figure if you read my blog, you care about it. Thanks!

We've got our BigHouse of Blues event this weekend. It's our biggest fundraiser of the year. We have a live and silent auction. There will be food, football games playing on big screens, a DJ and a dance floor. And a hot chocolate bar that I'm especially excited about! I love things where there are lots of toppings to choose from. (That's how I spend like $5 a cup at those build-your-own frozen yogurt places.) If you're in town, we'll be at Greystone Mansion in Auburn from 6-10pm. Tickets are $10 at the door. All proceeds go to BigHouse. Even if you can't come, you can check out the items online www.bighouseofblues.com and email your highest bid for your favorite items at bids@ourbighouse.org and we'll have someone bid for you at the event.

You can also do your Christmas shopping through BigHouse this year! Our Gift of Giving program is a way you can donate to BigHouse in honor of a friend or family member and we will send them a gift (BigHouse backpack, t-shirt, or hoodie) along with a Christmas card that tells about how we help foster children. Check it out at our website: www.ourbighouse.org