I am nothing

Before you think I've reached some super-spiritual state or that accepting God's will for me with the headache was some sort of magic trick that made it all-of-the-sudden tolerable or cured, let me assure that is not the case. Today has been a horrendous pain day. I'm fully blaming the storms for that, but at any rate, it's definitely been rough. I've done two shots (this is the fourth time I've used shots in two weeks - UNACCEPTABLE!) and the DHE is rough on me. Anxiety, nausea, muscle cramps, needles..no thank you. So I've been in bed all day, praying or attempting to pray, reading some, crying a lot, texting and calling people for support, etc. It hasn't been stellar, it wasn't what I wanted to be doing, but I am surrendered to God's will and trust that His plan is good.

"God disciplines us for our own good, that we may share in His holiness." Hebrews 12:10 I desire holiness. I'm not big and brave or strong, but I aim to be faithful. "Not to us, O Lord, not to us, but to Your name be the glory because of Your love and faithfulness." Psalm 115:1

March Madness

Today is March 1st and I feel like this month is already spoken for - all of my weekends are booked and while that's not all bad, it has me feeling slightly trapped. Because you know me - I like to keep my options open and travel on a whim. But there will be plenty of traveling - next weekend I'm going to the kNOw More Orphans Conference in Birmingham to host an expo table for BigHouse. We have a really professional looking presentation board and everything. The next Saturday I'm going with my Sunday School class to the Passages exhibit of Bible artifacts in Atlanta. The last weekend we're taking a BigHouse staff beach trip. We are SO EXCITED. At least, I am. I'm pretty sure the others are too.

I can't believe it's March again. Last year, March was an out-and-out disaster. My life was falling apart because of my headache and my parents came to rescue me. Then Bucky died. I spent three weeks in Tennessee, primarily in the bed or on the couch. I was on Topamax and it was horrendous. I wanted nothing but relief from pain so that I could live my normal, happy life. I thought I was going crazy (actually, I probably was). I remember crying and crying and saying, "I just don't understand!" - what was God doing? How could this be ok with Him? Wasn't I more valuable at work at BigHouse than lying in agony at home?

Last night I read a book(let) that brought me to an altogether different place with the headache. Acceptance. I will admit that when I got to the part about accepting your life, I had to put the book down and have a tantrum. "No God! I can't! This pain isn't ok with me!" But after finishing the book (all 32 pages, ha) and spent an hour in prayer over it, I wanted nothing but to fully surrender myself to Him and His will and trust His goodness. That's what He's been gently (and sometimes not-so-gently) telling me for over a year - "Trust Me." But I think I've finally gotten to a point where I can honestly say, "Ok Lord, whatever Your will is for me, I want it. I want it more than relief from pain, or an answer, or an understanding, or even a reward. I just want You, Jesus. You are enough." I want to know God more intimately. I want to be usable to Him. I must continually surrender my will to His. There is peace in surrender. God is good and His mercy endures forever.

The booklet is called The Great Lie by Martha Kilpatrick. I had been warned that it was deep and transformational, and I thought I was prepared. Ha. I'm reading it again today. And probably tomorrow. I'm beginning a discipleship relationship with a godly woman I have an increasing amount of respect for, and she gave the book to me. We're getting together next week to discuss it. I am beyond thrilled to have someone to disciple me! I'm so thankful that God placed her in my life to pour into me and challenge me and teach me more about Him.

"I will sing to the Lord for He has been good to me." Psalm 13:6

"You have laid down precepts that are to be fully obeyed. Oh, that my ways were steadfast in obeying your decrees!" Psalm 119:4-5

2012

I really like the number of year we're on now. 12 is my favorite! I think it has something to do with my "J" last name putting me somewhere around 12th in my elementary school classrooms. I think it made me feel at home when I went to college at the University of Alabama where the #12 means legacy on the football field. One time a long time ago my mom told me she wanted 12 grandchildren. Anyway, I love 2012 - even and beautiful numbers....maybe I have autistic tendencies? :)

So what have I done in the first month of 2012? Let's see:

- I celebrated New Year's with lots of college friends at Lauren and Justin's wedding in Huntsville on New Year's Eve.

- We got two full-time interns at BigHouse and I ADORE THEM!! They double our man-power and get so much done, it's just amazing. They're fun and funny and they love Jesus - I couldn't ask for better.

- My Bama boys won our 14th National Championship in football, and I got new t-shirt at midnight. Roll Tide!

- I got to see a sweet new baby girl in Canton! On that same weekend trip I got to spend time with lots of friends and go to the Buford Hwy Farmer's Market (AMAZING - I said it was like grocery shopping in Epcot).

- I got to talk to a Brownie Troop about BigHouse and bought Girl Scout cookies. They even let me join their Friendship Circle at the end of the meeting. Brought back lots of memories!

- I got to go to the Alabama/Auburn gymnastics meet in Auburn. We won! It was lots of fun, but the meets in Tuscaloosa are way better. :)

- I got to go Clanton and see Julie and Will and Julie's family this weekend. And I went to see Heather and Adam's new house in Montgomery they will be moving too soon!

It's been a good month! As far as headaches I've had 4 red days this month, but it's been somewhat better now that I'm not taking medicine every day. I go back to the neurologist next month and we'll discuss Botox and any other options he wants to give me.

I'm Back

No more Zonegran. NO MORE CRYING. :) And hopefully no more insane pain days - just normal pain days. :/ I would very happily give those up too. I called my doctor again on Wednesday and talked to the nurse and we decided that I would stop the Zonegran since the 400 mg seemed (to me, anyway) to be instigator of all the red days. And really, the only benefit I'd had from it was one miraculously good day the first week I was on it, and I lost like 10 lbs. from not eating. I can tell you that the last two weeks have not been worth it either of those things. So Zonegran has been added to the list of meds that don't work (in case you were wondering - we've tried 24 prescription meds and at least 9 OTC meds for this headache. Some list!)

Yesterday was bad. I had to do another shot. Let's not talk about it. Today has been much better. Praise the Lord! We had our BigHouse Teen Christmas Party last night and our Breakfast With Santa this morning. They were both wildly successful. God accomplishes all things for us. (Psalm 57:2) He is so good to BigHouse! It was such a delight to see all the families this weekend and to read their feedback on the family surveys this afternoon (that's my personal favorite part of the Santa Breakfast so I make it my priority). For both events we had about 200 people involved, not including those who donated gifts! That would be probably more like 500!! It was lots of fun!

Rough week

I had the week off last week for Thanksgiving and spent some time in Georgia and Tennessee visiting friends and family. I ended up driving home on Friday afternoon, because I wanted to be back in Opelika to watch the Iron Bowl game with Micah and Blake and Stephanie (Roll Tide!). I'm glad I decided to drive back b/c Saturday I was virtually dead. I didn't get out of bed all day. :( Headache drama. You know it's bad when this girl couldn't sit on the couch - or even lay - on the couch to watch the Iron Bowl (that would be the Alabama/Auburn game for the uncultured folk). I did manage to sit with Grandmom later on and watch a little bit of Home Alone 2 - big accomplishment. I tried the Migranal (DHE) nasal spray but I didn't have any relief from it, which was a big disappointment since I was hoping it could take the place of the shots.

That was the beginning of what has been a very long week. I have decided that this medicine I'm on (Zonegran) clashes big time with my hormones the week of my period (sorry for any males who may happen to read this) and make me crazy. You know me - I'm not a crier. But I've struggled with lots of crying and anxiety this week (and I noticed it the last time around too, just after I'd started on Zonegran). I called my neurologist on Wednesday and he called in another steroid. I didn't get to start it until that night, and so it's been keeping from sleeping the past two nights..but it has helped my head some, although I had to do a DHE shot yesterday.

So I am physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually drained from dealing with worse than normal pain and trying not to lose my mind, and trying to work, and take care of myself (you know, sleeping and eating and calling dr/pharmacist)...it feels like more than I can do. I found something a few weeks ago which has been helpful - Mindful Worship Meditation. Mediation recordings based on Scripture. If you're interested, the site I found them on is here: http://www.mindfulworship.com/. Particularly this week, "Jehovah-Shalom, The Lord is Peace" and "Think About Such Things" have been useful to me. God is so good to me. His plans for me are good. He's given me friends who love and encourage me. He watches over me. He is faithful and I can trust Him. Headaches are hard and I'd like for them to be over, but I will trust Him. Thank you for praying! It means so much to me.


In the meantime it's been freezing at BigHouse - we're still working on getting copper wiring and gas hooked up to our central units so that we can have heat in our building. So we've been doing what we can off-site and I've worked a few half-days holed up in my office with the space heater...brr. Just trying to get things ready for our Christmas festivities in the next couple of weeks - these are my favorite BigHouse events of the year: Teen Party, Breakfast with Santa, and Kids' Night Out: Santa's Workshop. Fortunately none of our events are in our building - we have several churches who are graciously hosting us.

Also to keep you up to date with BigHouse - we're running for another Pepsi grant! This is to win $5,000 for our 2012 swimsuit and towel drive. This year we filled 3, 421 requests for new swimsuits and towels for children and teens in foster care across the state of Alabama. The estimated cost of this project was over $90,000. You can help us by voting every day: TEXT -110182 to 73774 (PEPSI), ONLINE - http://www.refresheverything.com/swimsuitsandtowels. You can log in with your facebook account (which is the easiest way) AND sign up with your email account (you might have done this to vote for us in previous Pepsi grants). We need to finish in the top 20 on Dec. 31st to receive the grant!

I'm wearing blue fingernail polish and I love it

This is just a quick update. I went to the neurologist today. He does want to see how I do on Zonegran for (hopefully) three months. If nothing else, I'll be skinny - ha. No one's complaining about that. Of course we're hoping it works on my headache, not just kill my appetite. I got samples of Migranal nasal spray which is DHE so I won't have to do it injections - I'm hoping those give me a little relief on bad pain days in place of shots. Lots of hoping in this paragraph...blah. But my hope is in Jesus and none other. The dr. was very pleased with my thorough headache diaries and showed them off to the nurses (they 'oohed' and 'aahed' over them too) - gold star for me. He said if the Zonegran doesn't work his next plan is Botox. While I'm not excited about that idea, and not sure that's something I want to pursue, I appreciate his aggressive approach.

I didn't want headaches to take over my blog. Thank you for bearing with me. I do want to keep you updated on how it's going though, and I figure if you read my blog, you care about it. Thanks!

We've got our BigHouse of Blues event this weekend. It's our biggest fundraiser of the year. We have a live and silent auction. There will be food, football games playing on big screens, a DJ and a dance floor. And a hot chocolate bar that I'm especially excited about! I love things where there are lots of toppings to choose from. (That's how I spend like $5 a cup at those build-your-own frozen yogurt places.) If you're in town, we'll be at Greystone Mansion in Auburn from 6-10pm. Tickets are $10 at the door. All proceeds go to BigHouse. Even if you can't come, you can check out the items online www.bighouseofblues.com and email your highest bid for your favorite items at bids@ourbighouse.org and we'll have someone bid for you at the event.

You can also do your Christmas shopping through BigHouse this year! Our Gift of Giving program is a way you can donate to BigHouse in honor of a friend or family member and we will send them a gift (BigHouse backpack, t-shirt, or hoodie) along with a Christmas card that tells about how we help foster children. Check it out at our website: www.ourbighouse.org

Thankful for November!

I'm going to try this again - I've been trying to write for several days but none of my words seemed right. We'll see if this makes the cut.

Thank goodness for November! I love October - I'm a huge fan of the colors and the weather was blissful, I have no complaints. I don't care too much for Halloween - I was in a hurry to pack up all the costumes in the BigHouse Clothes Closet and put away our Fall Festival stuff. Our House is actually in amazing shape right now. Well, considering the fact that there are two of us on staff and neither Micah nor I are self-proclaimed clean freaks. Thank goodness - we would get nothing accomplished otherwise! We did have someone volunteer to clean for us yesterday though and that was glorious. Anyway, so I had some of our volunteers put up the BigHouse Christmas tree today. Mainly because otherwise they won't get to enjoy it much since the college students will basically be gone after Thanksgiving. But I didn't get out the ornaments yet...that will be another day. Savor.. :)

Headaches - well, there haven't been any miraculous days like October 21st. Yeah, bummer, trust me - I know. I struggled with coping last week - either b/c of hormones or the medicine or the return of intense pain, I don't know. I started practicing meditation again for 45 minutes a day, and that seems to help. I go back to the neurologist on Tuesday, so I'll find out then what the next things to try will be. I'm guessing he'll want to keep me on Zonegran and see how I do at 400mg for at least a month. Currently my biggest concern is the loss of appetite I'm already having with it (at only half a dose). It's frighteningly similar to Topamax (*shudder*) but at least stuff doesn't taste weird (yet..?). I'm still hoping there's another miracle day in that bottle of pills. If so, it will be worth it. If not, I guess it was worth it anyway - it's not like I was expecting anything.